Thoughts during today's work meeting

Monkey, oh monkey
are you bored to tears?

When you swing on your tire
do you swing just to swing
or do you think through your fears?

Do the bars confine too much
when you see the sky above
or do you like to lounge all day
with your food served on a tray
and all the girl monkeys to love?

If I can make it there...

On Christmas Eve, my family was sitting around a table playing dominoes when the phone rang. I was contemplating how to get rid of the dreaded double-blank as my mom handed me the phone. "Eleanor wants to wish you a Merry Christmas!" I hadn't talked to my aunt Eleanor in ages and little did I know just how portentous our chat was going to be.

Eleanor is my mom's sister and she's a delight to talk to. Really, if she ever calls you collect (which she never would, she has more taste than that! But we're in Hypothetical Land here people. She's never gonna call you) accept the charges cause it will be worth every penny. Adjectives that describe a conversation with Eleanor (or Skeleknor to those in the know): witty, fast, urbane, fast, interesting, fast, hilarious, fast, guffawing, fast and fast.

She asked me how I was: I officially came out to her. She expressed her love: I did likewise. She asked me what I was up to: I said Lynchburg, Lynchburg College, grad classes. She inquired of my future plans: I said I was seriously thinking about moving to New York City and trying to make it as a writer at a magazine or publishing house or whatever. She said she had been waiting for this moment: I didn't know how to respond. She said she has tons and she means TONS of contacts at magazines and that whatever I want she would get: I felt a little bit of shock.

She then proceeded to detail her contacts: I felt my jaw drop, and drop and then fall off my face. She said her job was to set me up with job, apartment, contacts and that my job was to tell her when to start and when to stop: I hadn't spoken for 5 minutes at this point.

I believed I stammered something in the way of thanks and love and just general gushing before we stopped talking.

So now that I've had enough time to distill this information not once, not twice but three times like a fine single malt, I'm ready to bottle my 2008 Falcon Distilleries "When Not If" scotch. Seriously. I'm in the calculator stage of the planning. How much money I need to save, etc.

And I'm not walking into this blind. I lived in Washington Heights for 8 months when I was a missionary. I know Harlem, East Harlem and the South Bronx better than the typical white boy does. I know how noisy, crazy, expensive and lonely the City can be. And I love it. And if I didn't take this chance I know I would regret it.

And more importantly, what would Skeleknor think if I didn't?!

A short stack of snowflakes

Yesterday we had the first snowfall of the year here in good ol' Lunchbag. It was beautiful. The flakes were HUGE and fluffy and cottony and made me start singing songs from White Christmas. It looked like snow I had seen in Utah; God took the lint out of the celestial drier and sprinkled it all over my city.

Usually we get sleety snow here in the more humid climes, but these looked so good they looked fake. I think a marketing firm is behind it all. They got together to make "Snow the Way Snow Should Look!"

Luckily it didn't stick around. Like pancake crumbs descending through syrup, snow is beautiful when it's falling. But once it's been lying in the streets for a few weeks it's just as attractive as a group of pancakes after my niece Sadie gets to them: all sticky and messy and nothing but a problem. Oh the humanity!

Brother Yossarian's Lament

I recently saw The Stripping Warrior in a Youtube clip where he talks about the dilemma that all gay mormons face (at least the Kinsey 5ers and 6ers). Here, in easy to read bullet format, is the theory part of the prob:

1. Mormon theology and culture state that to be happy/attain the highest glory in the Celestial Kingdom, one must be married. (Guys, you can have as many wives as you want as long as you're the only one with a penis!)
2. Also to be happy you must be a practicing member of the Church, hopefully with a valid temple recommend. To stay and strive is to be happy- to leave is to be unhappy.
3. Gay members of the Church (who were once counseled to get therapy and go ahead and get married) should be aware that therapy and marriage will not make you straight.
   

Most mormons would agree with the above statements. In practical terms this means:

1. Gay mormons must stay in the Church and not act on their attractions to the same sex. Acting on your attractions is not just having sex with a man.
   
• It goes much further than that: "It is not helpful to flaunt homosexual tendencies or make them the subject of unnecessary observation or discussion. It is better to choose as friends those who do not publicly display their homosexual feelings." (recently released pamphlet entitled "God Loveth His Children").
  
• In other words don't be gay, act gay or seem like you might be gay. Cause really you're not GAY, you're just.... ummmm.... afflicted with same-gender attraction. Like a handicap or a disease. Yep, just like that. So please keep it down.
2. Stay celibate. Be alone.
   
• And lets be honest here, you can be inundated with close friends and relatives and be a busy little bee all the time yet still feel isolated and alone. I have been told by several priesthood leaders to be careful of getting too emotionally close to other men, especially those that I might suspect as being gay. (Do all straight people believe that gaydar actually exists?)
  
3. For the love of God don't tell anybody you're gay!
   
• You'll never be able to marry because if people know you're gay and you try to date a girl with the intention of marriage you will be dogpiled by people concerned with the well-being of the girl. And with good reason. Or as The Stripping Warrior succiently put it, "Who are you to sacrifice this wonderful girl on the altar of your homosexuality?"
4. You're fine!
   
• That aching you feel, deep in your chest, that makes you sob at times, just ignore it. Oh. It's getting stronger? Um....
  
• "Fill your spiritual garden with good seed... participate actively in the Church" (same pamphlet as above).You're already doing that you say? Hmmmmm...
  
• "Partak[e] of the sacrament, [sing] the hymns of Zion, and [listen] to uplifting talks." Oh. That kind of advice belittles your situation cause you're already doing that too and it seems like whistling in the dark? Well then,
  
• "Visit with your bishop and other priesthood leaders who hold the keys of inspired counsel for the members of your local Church unit." I'm sure they won't just give you the same ineffective advice that we've already given you.
  
• Don't worry, following all of this counsel WILL help! Have faith! 20 years of fighting and never giving in to those feelings but not getting any results isn't all that long. That aching won't get stronger. It won't keep you up at night. You won't feel like you're starting to go crazy. You're happy! Everything will be fixed in the next life...Why in the world would you try to kill yourself? That just doesn't make sense. Life is wonderful! You're not sad. You're a member of the Church in good standing with a valid temple recommend! You've done everything we told you to do! Smile! Be happy! Now, have you done your home teaching for this month? Remember, there are people out there that need help!

Thanks so much!

Things I'm thankful for:

1. My crazy, loud, weird family. Being around us is a bit much for most people and to be honest being a member of this family is a bit much for us at times.
2. Being out to my crazy, loud, weird family. I feel so much more comfortable with them. I can be myself.
3. That Thanksgiving dinner has tons of dishes other than turkey. I don't like turkey so I eat everything but. I'm the person that eats all of the brussel sprouts so your aunt thinks it was really popular and brings it every year even though no one else likes them. Yep. I'm THAT person.
   
4. Naps.
   
5. The internet. I've learned so many things being online. The most important one being that I'm not alone. Thanks mohos!
   

A Kiss from Erato

The Returned Missionary's Prayer

God, gird my loins to have sex with a woman.
Bless me with lusting heat for the daughter of Eve's tits.
Let my dick ooze for the desire of penetration.

Give me the strength to kiss her without thinking of the naked boys in the locker room as steam rises from their chests, their shoulders, their backs, nipples firm and hard asses with meaty necks framing velveteen lips and deep-pooled eyes.

Oh God, please let me want to jump her bones and mean it.

Brother 1, Jake 0

I've been writing a lot in the last week or so and it's been really fun. One of the things I've discovered is that half of the words I write are either unnecessary or unusable or just don't make sense. But I don't feel any futility from chucking all that chaff. In fact it makes me feel energized just to get pen to paper (uh, i mean fingers to keys).

I'm liking my new job. The people are great and fun. And since employees of the college can take courses during the work day I'm going to be able to get my Master's degree for freakin free!

My bro just saw Nickel Creek in Virginia Beach so I'm green through and through. But it'll be ok. The Polyphonic Spree are gonna be in North Carolina next week and I'm gonna go. So it makes us even. Unless he decides to come with. GRRRRRR... Then he'd still be ahead. How funny that weren't competitive when we were kids but now I'm keeping tally of concerts. I need something to distract me from this. Hmmmmm..... what could possibly fill the void?? How bout a boyfriend! Sounds good to me. I'll get right on that.