Brother Yossarian's Lament

I recently saw The Stripping Warrior in a Youtube clip where he talks about the dilemma that all gay mormons face (at least the Kinsey 5ers and 6ers). Here, in easy to read bullet format, is the theory part of the prob:

1. Mormon theology and culture state that to be happy/attain the highest glory in the Celestial Kingdom, one must be married. (Guys, you can have as many wives as you want as long as you're the only one with a penis!)
2. Also to be happy you must be a practicing member of the Church, hopefully with a valid temple recommend. To stay and strive is to be happy- to leave is to be unhappy.
3. Gay members of the Church (who were once counseled to get therapy and go ahead and get married) should be aware that therapy and marriage will not make you straight.
   

Most mormons would agree with the above statements. In practical terms this means:

1. Gay mormons must stay in the Church and not act on their attractions to the same sex. Acting on your attractions is not just having sex with a man.
   
• It goes much further than that: "It is not helpful to flaunt homosexual tendencies or make them the subject of unnecessary observation or discussion. It is better to choose as friends those who do not publicly display their homosexual feelings." (recently released pamphlet entitled "God Loveth His Children").
  
• In other words don't be gay, act gay or seem like you might be gay. Cause really you're not GAY, you're just.... ummmm.... afflicted with same-gender attraction. Like a handicap or a disease. Yep, just like that. So please keep it down.
2. Stay celibate. Be alone.
   
• And lets be honest here, you can be inundated with close friends and relatives and be a busy little bee all the time yet still feel isolated and alone. I have been told by several priesthood leaders to be careful of getting too emotionally close to other men, especially those that I might suspect as being gay. (Do all straight people believe that gaydar actually exists?)
  
3. For the love of God don't tell anybody you're gay!
   
• You'll never be able to marry because if people know you're gay and you try to date a girl with the intention of marriage you will be dogpiled by people concerned with the well-being of the girl. And with good reason. Or as The Stripping Warrior succiently put it, "Who are you to sacrifice this wonderful girl on the altar of your homosexuality?"
4. You're fine!
   
• That aching you feel, deep in your chest, that makes you sob at times, just ignore it. Oh. It's getting stronger? Um....
  
• "Fill your spiritual garden with good seed... participate actively in the Church" (same pamphlet as above).You're already doing that you say? Hmmmmm...
  
• "Partak[e] of the sacrament, [sing] the hymns of Zion, and [listen] to uplifting talks." Oh. That kind of advice belittles your situation cause you're already doing that too and it seems like whistling in the dark? Well then,
  
• "Visit with your bishop and other priesthood leaders who hold the keys of inspired counsel for the members of your local Church unit." I'm sure they won't just give you the same ineffective advice that we've already given you.
  
• Don't worry, following all of this counsel WILL help! Have faith! 20 years of fighting and never giving in to those feelings but not getting any results isn't all that long. That aching won't get stronger. It won't keep you up at night. You won't feel like you're starting to go crazy. You're happy! Everything will be fixed in the next life...Why in the world would you try to kill yourself? That just doesn't make sense. Life is wonderful! You're not sad. You're a member of the Church in good standing with a valid temple recommend! You've done everything we told you to do! Smile! Be happy! Now, have you done your home teaching for this month? Remember, there are people out there that need help!

Thanks so much!

Things I'm thankful for:

1. My crazy, loud, weird family. Being around us is a bit much for most people and to be honest being a member of this family is a bit much for us at times.
2. Being out to my crazy, loud, weird family. I feel so much more comfortable with them. I can be myself.
3. That Thanksgiving dinner has tons of dishes other than turkey. I don't like turkey so I eat everything but. I'm the person that eats all of the brussel sprouts so your aunt thinks it was really popular and brings it every year even though no one else likes them. Yep. I'm THAT person.
   
4. Naps.
   
5. The internet. I've learned so many things being online. The most important one being that I'm not alone. Thanks mohos!
   

A Kiss from Erato

The Returned Missionary's Prayer

God, gird my loins to have sex with a woman.
Bless me with lusting heat for the daughter of Eve's tits.
Let my dick ooze for the desire of penetration.

Give me the strength to kiss her without thinking of the naked boys in the locker room as steam rises from their chests, their shoulders, their backs, nipples firm and hard asses with meaty necks framing velveteen lips and deep-pooled eyes.

Oh God, please let me want to jump her bones and mean it.

Brother 1, Jake 0

I've been writing a lot in the last week or so and it's been really fun. One of the things I've discovered is that half of the words I write are either unnecessary or unusable or just don't make sense. But I don't feel any futility from chucking all that chaff. In fact it makes me feel energized just to get pen to paper (uh, i mean fingers to keys).

I'm liking my new job. The people are great and fun. And since employees of the college can take courses during the work day I'm going to be able to get my Master's degree for freakin free!

My bro just saw Nickel Creek in Virginia Beach so I'm green through and through. But it'll be ok. The Polyphonic Spree are gonna be in North Carolina next week and I'm gonna go. So it makes us even. Unless he decides to come with. GRRRRRR... Then he'd still be ahead. How funny that weren't competitive when we were kids but now I'm keeping tally of concerts. I need something to distract me from this. Hmmmmm..... what could possibly fill the void?? How bout a boyfriend! Sounds good to me. I'll get right on that.

Monkey see, monkey do

Family Blend is one of the best blogs. It always makes me smile and occasionally teary-eyed. The blogeurs (you know, like auteurs, bloggers with style!) are a couple of well-adjusted, handsome, loving gay men that cope with their lives (children, exes, Mormon families, friends) with honesty and humor. I seriously look up to these guys. They are what I want to someday be. I only wish that I had role models like this when I was coming to terms with my sexuality.

I know things would have been much easier knowing that there were gay mormons (ex and otherwise) in healthy, loving relationships. Of course the only role models I had were those "gay" mormons who lived by themselves and seemed lonely. You never knew if they were gay or not cause that isn't talked about and you never knew about the, as they call them now, "mixed-orientation" marriages. So once I realized that I would never be able to marry a woman honestly, I had the Sheri Dew lifestyle to look forward to. That really was it. No one else to see and emulate. I was scared shitless.

Of course I know better now. I've experienced how love shared with a man can make me feel whole and good and not dirty and unhappy(although being in your 30's when you realize it is a bit late in my estimation) . I just wish that I had been able to see that earlier. There is a tendency among the members of the Church to feel that they have a monopoly on happiness. The gospel is where TRUE happiness (whatever that means) is found and those people who don't have the gospel and look happy aren't TRULY happy. It's a condescending attitude that most people in any group have I guess. And as a true believer I shared this worldview.

My folks always say that they just want me to be happy. Which is not as simple as it sounds because from Mormon parents the subtext of happy is "living the gospel". There's the disconnect. For me to be happy is to live in a state which my family considers the opposite of happiness. And when it seems that I'm happy, well, I'm not TRULY happy in their eyes. Ah the joys of families.

I'm sure the Family Blend guys aren't supermen and I don't mean to put a pedestal under them. I'm having a good enough time reveling in their ordinariness. I just want to warn them. I'm watching you, rooting for you, hoping every joy in life for you, cause every time you win I win too.

Doesn't everyone think they're a poet?

So I decided to start posting some of my writings on my blog. Why, you ask? Why to stroke my ego you know. Anyway, here's a sample!

Brian

As the taste of you traces its waltz from the tip to back of my tongue
and the feel of you replays its chords and arpeggios under my fingers,
a bit of your breath has lodged itself in a moist, hidden corner of my lungs
settling down, seeping in
becoming a bit of me.

What if your kindness, your sweetness were as contagious as the rest of you?

You, being you, would throw wide your arms seeding the world with spark and fulgor.
No war in Sudan, no drunken famine lulling babes to rest, no love ever lost
for you would have become like the gods,
omnipotent, all loving, everything to everyone,
removed, unattainable, fiery death to behold.

But in their knowing way, the gods bound you in restraining flesh
jealous with their golden thrones, timid of your spark
retaining their position by shackling you to death.

lying back, i cradle my head and send a whispered prayer to those covetous gods
and thank them for their misguided wisdom.

Heav'nbound you are owned by all- but Earthbound you are bound to me.

i breathe deep and feel that spark of you, that Part i breathed,
that bit of you,
as it slowly drips its way to my heart
becoming a bit of me.

I heart Panera

Thanks to my parent's unbelievably slow internet connection I have spent much time at Panera Bread. They boast a fast wireless connection, great pastries and loads of cute college guys. Unfortunately, most are students from Liberty University (yes, THAT Liberty University- Jerry Falwell's university) but that's ok. Eye candy is still eye candy and for the price of a cup of coffee I can sit to my heart's content.

It's a warm, friendly environment that's given me the chance to look up grad programs, job opps, email and generally mess around on the web. So to make it official... I LOVE PANERA!

Had a good talk with my mom last night about the Church and being gay and such. I'm really lucky she's open to talk about this stuff. She said that it was nice having me around. I said that I'm always nice to have around and she stopped short and said that it didn't used to be that way. I was moody, mean and irrational. But no longer. I used to be that way because i hated myself, being gay, and therefore life in general. But since I've come to terms with it, I've been much nicer. Funny isn't it? Trying to be everything the Church wanted me to be made me mean, hard and bitter. Now that I don't care what the Church wants me to be I am kind, caring and emotionally stable. There's a moral there, but I hate morality tales so I'm leaving it alone.