Friday, August 17, 2007

A New Chapter

So my life begins a whole new chapter! I've moved back to Virginia after being away in California for several years. And so far it's been great. Well, except for the heat and the humidity and fear that this whole change is gonna crumble in my hands like an empty egg shell.

I'm looking for work here in Lynchburg and have sent out my resume to several places. I'm also figuring out where I'd like to go to school to further my education. I really would like to teach at the collegiate level but since I've yet to decide WHAT I'd like to teach I'm at a bit of a loss as to which graduate programs to look at. (I know, I know, making decisions is not high on my list of talents). There is a Master's in Humanities program at ODU that looks good but I'm not completely convinced yet. As it is, I'd need to wait at least a year to get my Virginia residency back. Not to mention that my killer GRE scores have now expired! Who knew that they were only good for 5 years. GRRRRRRRR. My brother said not to worry, that if I got great scores before I'll be able to get them again. Easy for him to say.

Boy this is typical "Hedgehog" thinking. Worrying about performance on a test to get into a program I haven't even picked yet. Classic carriage before the horse. I guess this is as good a place as any to explain the name of my blog.

I view myself as a combination of two very disparate sets of personality traits: The Falcon and The Hedgehog. The Falcon is that talented, outgoing, confident, self-assured part of me that can soar. The part of me that views myself positively. This is the handsome Jake. The person that can do anything and knows exactly what he wants. Needless to say, I like The Falcon.

The Hedgehog is that part of me that is insecure, depressed, unsure, timid and a bit prickly. The wishy-washy fool who freezes into inaction. This is the Jake that doesn't think much of himself. The type of person to roll up into a ball and shut everyone out. And although I don't like being The Hedgehog he has dominated a lot of my life so far. (He is pretty cute tho).

I like to think that most people have this dichotomy within themselves. I'm not unique there. I use these two halves of myself to cope with my feelings and the depression that sometimes comes. They enable me to look at myself with just enough detachment to be able to deal effectively with whatever might come.

So lately The Falcon has been soaring. Looking for a new job, searching for education opportunities, even going to the Y to work out has left me flying high! I've even been able to love that part of me that's gay instead of hating myself for it. Instead of weighing the benefits of suicide (there are none, by the way, just if you were wondering), I've been factoring in the gay population at schools in my search. Breathe deep..... doesn't that lack of self-loathing smell great?!

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