The Kleenex of Babylon

Laurel Leader Criticized for Chastity Object Lesson
By Peter_Mary

SODA SPRINGS, ID—Local Laurel Advisor Judy Comstock of the Soda Springs 5th Ward says she’s tired of hearing the complaints by angry young women and their parents after an object lesson she used in her Laurel lesson apparently fell flat.

“It’s a real challenge to keep these girls interested in the lesson,” complained Comstock when asked about the object lesson gone awry. “Especially when it comes to chastity, it’s not like these girls haven’t heard it all before. They’ve seen the rose with all the petals pulled off. They’ve seen the bread with the butter licked off. They’ve seen the nail pounded in a board. I thought the hankie idea was a fresh, new way to make an old point.”

The lesson began when Comstock carefully removed a clean, white handkerchief from a box, and explained that, “this hankie is like your virtue.” When she asked the girls to blow their noses in it and pass it around, demonstrating that “no worthy young returned missionary would want you now,” the lesson quickly deteriorated into chaos.

“It was positively the grossest thing I have ever seen,” says Ginger Bailey, Laurel class president. “By the time that handkerchief got to me it was like totally disgusting, but Sister Comstock was like all encouraging us to blow our noses in it and pass it on. I thought for sure I was going to yak. We’re all like, ‘hello, we have standards here!’” Other class members felt the same way.

“The first girl, Whitney Snow, was like, ‘okay,’ and she just honked away and passed it on,” reports class member Deena Cooper. “After that, most of us were like, ‘no way,’ but Sister Comstock was getting all pushy, so some of the other girls did it, too. Julie Jamison left the class retching and she told me she hurled twice in the bathroom.” When asked if she herself blew her nose, Cooper quietly admitted that she had.

“Sister Comstock just made you feel like if you didn’t, you didn’t love her or something. There was like this total pressure to blow your nose. I didn’t want to, but I felt like I had to.”

Brenda Sorenson, the Young Women’s President says she witnessed the hankie metaphor, and though she was somewhat concerned about hygiene, felt the overall effect was exactly what they were looking for.

“It disturbs me that the girls seem to be struggling with this,” admits Sorenson. “Satan is so strong in this last dispensation that apparently even these poor Laurels can’t resist his awful influence. To my way of thinking, it’s a sign of spiritual wavering that the girls are offended by such plain truths. I know without a doubt that this was exactly the kind of lesson we needed,” Sorenson added, “but in hindsight, it’s probably a good thing Judy didn’t use her original object lesson, which involved toilet paper.”

The Young Women’s Presidency sent cards to all the Laurels expressing their love for each of them and asking them to kindly come back to Sister Comstock’s classes.

I wish I had written this. I wish I had a Peepstone.

Mormon Action Movie

I read this post and am now in a Very Introspective Mood (now with Extra-Strength Tears!)

I have a feeling that my family really wants me to be one of those "faith-promoting" stories in the back of the Ensign. They want me to be stronger and just overcome being gay so I can finally get on with my life. My nice, normal, very Mormon life that they so desperately want for me.

But I'm not the action-hero who turns back the horde of enemies single-handed, saves the building from exploding, finds the secret treasure and (most importantly) gets the girl. End Scene. Roll credits.

I'm just this guy, see. I'm not stronger than most. I need the touch in the dark that I find strength and comfort in. I need to be able to take a rest from the fight. You can't expect your soldiers to struggle every minute of every day. Especially against something that is so natural, so needed, so much a part of one's soul. You can not ask them to have to, in those intimate moments, fight then as well.

My family gets to rest. They have structured support systems in and out of the church that help them along. They can have intimate relationships without having to convince themselves that holding her hand isn't all that bad. They don't have to work as hard as a gay in the church. And they know that, but they DO expect me to work harder than they have to, sacrifice more than them and stay positive about it.

I think they like the idea that there is a potential hero in their midst. A great Ensign article in the making. An inspiring story that will get repeated at Conference in between Elder Holland's heart felt sobs. Look at what a great religion we have, Amen.

Instead of asking if the church might be wrong, they would rather believe that more IS expected of me. That it is better that I be wrung dry, in a constant state of battle, going insane and alone. And that is the worst feeling of all: knowing that they love the church more than me.

Internal, infernal dialogue

A little conversation in my head goes like this:

"Self, should I resign my membership to the Church and send in the letter required to stop being a Mormon?"

"Well, what should I care about their little records? I'm not going to church and I don't believe anymore so what does it matter to me if they think I'm a member or not?"

"I never thought about it like that, self, but shouldn't I make them aware of my concerns? Shouldn't they know they've lost another gay son?"

"That's a good point, but they haven't cared about you as a gay member of the church before so why do you think they will start caring when you leave?"

"Huh, well someone has to know there are sheep leaving the fold and for what reasons!"

"Listen to me self, the church has never, I repeat, NEVER left the 99 sheep snuggled safely in the pen to go in search of the 1 sheep in peril. Why should your little bleating help things?"

"The more gay Mormons that, as you so delicately put it, bleat, the louder our voice. That way we will get heard!"

"God, you still trust them to do the right thing don't you?! After what you've been through you still want to give them the benefit of the doubt. You still want them to love you for who you are. You're such a battered wife it's ridiculous! They might have changed their minds on race and the priesthood but they won't change their minds on this. Remember that the Mormon church is above all an American church AND Americans are squeamish with anything to do with sex. Their distaste for gays runs deep."

"But I should at least send in the letter for some closure. And it'll get my name off the rolls and I'll finally be done with it. There's nothing wrong in hoping that they change. I want to believe in the goodness in people. By the way, you've got some anger issues my friend. You ought to take a look at that."

"Anger issues duly noted, thanks. You'll never "be done with it" as you so naively believe. Being a Mormon is hardwired into your head. You identify with them and their worldview. And your whole family are dyed-in-the-wool, true blue Mormons. You think that you can get away just by writing a letter? Don't fool yourself."

"Ok, ok. I'll think about this some more then. Besides, I'm too lazy to write something now. Now, who has my lithium?!"

Spin it Gramps!

Ever since Gordon Hinckley (Grandpa and Grand Pooba to Mormons everywhere) died, I've been trying to verbalize how I felt about him and his passing.

Since I am a little busy today, I'll let Troy Williams tell you EXACTLY how I feel.