Thursday, April 17, 2008

Caution wet paint

I'm changing the look of my blog! And learning Html finally! Be careful where you lean, you might ruin your shirt.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

The Kleenex of Babylon

Laurel Leader Criticized for Chastity Object Lesson
By Peter_Mary

SODA SPRINGS, ID—Local Laurel Advisor Judy Comstock of the Soda Springs 5th Ward says she’s tired of hearing the complaints by angry young women and their parents after an object lesson she used in her Laurel lesson apparently fell flat.

“It’s a real challenge to keep these girls interested in the lesson,” complained Comstock when asked about the object lesson gone awry. “Especially when it comes to chastity, it’s not like these girls haven’t heard it all before. They’ve seen the rose with all the petals pulled off. They’ve seen the bread with the butter licked off. They’ve seen the nail pounded in a board. I thought the hankie idea was a fresh, new way to make an old point.”

The lesson began when Comstock carefully removed a clean, white handkerchief from a box, and explained that, “this hankie is like your virtue.” When she asked the girls to blow their noses in it and pass it around, demonstrating that “no worthy young returned missionary would want you now,” the lesson quickly deteriorated into chaos.

“It was positively the grossest thing I have ever seen,” says Ginger Bailey, Laurel class president. “By the time that handkerchief got to me it was like totally disgusting, but Sister Comstock was like all encouraging us to blow our noses in it and pass it on. I thought for sure I was going to yak. We’re all like, ‘hello, we have standards here!’” Other class members felt the same way.

“The first girl, Whitney Snow, was like, ‘okay,’ and she just honked away and passed it on,” reports class member Deena Cooper. “After that, most of us were like, ‘no way,’ but Sister Comstock was getting all pushy, so some of the other girls did it, too. Julie Jamison left the class retching and she told me she hurled twice in the bathroom.” When asked if she herself blew her nose, Cooper quietly admitted that she had.

“Sister Comstock just made you feel like if you didn’t, you didn’t love her or something. There was like this total pressure to blow your nose. I didn’t want to, but I felt like I had to.”

Brenda Sorenson, the Young Women’s President says she witnessed the hankie metaphor, and though she was somewhat concerned about hygiene, felt the overall effect was exactly what they were looking for.

“It disturbs me that the girls seem to be struggling with this,” admits Sorenson. “Satan is so strong in this last dispensation that apparently even these poor Laurels can’t resist his awful influence. To my way of thinking, it’s a sign of spiritual wavering that the girls are offended by such plain truths. I know without a doubt that this was exactly the kind of lesson we needed,” Sorenson added, “but in hindsight, it’s probably a good thing Judy didn’t use her original object lesson, which involved toilet paper.”

The Young Women’s Presidency sent cards to all the Laurels expressing their love for each of them and asking them to kindly come back to Sister Comstock’s classes.

I wish I had written this. I wish I had a Peepstone.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Dance, sucker, DANCE!

I saw Matthew Bourne's Edward Scissorhands in San Francisco. I'm not a big one for ballet. As Jerry Seinfeld said, "I've seen people on tiptoes." But I was blown away.

What made it so good? Story. Here's a choreographer who understands the need for narrative. If you're not involved in the story, if you don't care about the characters, who cares how clean that arabesque was? Technical prowess by itself doesn't impress me.

So far I've now seen Ed Scissorhands, Nutcracker!, Swan Lake and the Car Man and I just can't get enough.

If you're new to him, here's a little primer on Matthew Bourne and Nutcracker! narrated by Matthew Bourne himself.

And here's one of my favorite moments in all of his works. It's from Swan Lake.

Of course it helps that all his works are just a little bit gay...

Mormon Action Movie

I read this post and am now in a Very Introspective Mood (now with Extra-Strength Tears!)

I have a feeling that my family really wants me to be one of those "faith-promoting" stories in the back of the Ensign. They want me to be stronger and just overcome being gay so I can finally get on with my life. My nice, normal, very Mormon life that they so desperately want for me.

But I'm not the action-hero who turns back the horde of enemies single-handed, saves the building from exploding, finds the secret treasure and (most importantly) gets the girl. End Scene. Roll credits.

I'm just this guy, see. I'm not stronger than most. I need the touch in the dark that I find strength and comfort in. I need to be able to take a rest from the fight. You can't expect your soldiers to struggle every minute of every day. Especially against something that is so natural, so needed, so much a part of one's soul. You can not ask them to have to, in those intimate moments, fight then as well.

My family gets to rest. They have structured support systems in and out of the church that help them along. They can have intimate relationships without having to convince themselves that holding her hand isn't all that bad. They don't have to work as hard as a gay in the church. And they know that, but they DO expect me to work harder than they have to, sacrifice more than them and stay positive about it.

I think they like the idea that there is a potential hero in their midst. A great Ensign article in the making. An inspiring story that will get repeated at Conference in between Elder Holland's heart felt sobs. Look at what a great religion we have, Amen.

Instead of asking if the church might be wrong, they would rather believe that more IS expected of me. That it is better that I be wrung dry, in a constant state of battle, going insane and alone. And that is the worst feeling of all: knowing that they love the church more than me.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Reverend Alecia - Yoga Master - Acid Connoisseur

I started doing this dance and experienced a joy and feeling of enlightenment I've only experienced doing yoga, eating Godiva chocolate mousse and hearing 12 DCI corps play at the same time on the same field. Be careful, you'll grin like an idiot. (Gold metallic lame not necessary but rotating chair essential!)

I'm more of a kickball fan, myself.

Ok, so I got tagged by Craig over at yes, i am. I had already replied in his comments but I realized the protocol is to post the result of my tag on my blog. Well, here it is!

1. Pick up the nearest book (at least 123 pages).
2. Turn to page 123.
3. Find the 5th sentence
4. Post the 5th sentence on your blog.
5. Tag 5 people.

She would prepare the food with them, singing her
little songs:
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do,
or sometimes,
You made me love you, I didn't want to do it,
I didn't want to do it

~Neil Gaiman, from his poem Queen of Knives from his excellent collection of short stories and poems titled: Smoke and Mirrors.

(Sorry Craig, as nice and cute as you are, I'm just too lazy to do #5 right now.)

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Oprah's gone too far people!

I just received this harrowing news from a facebook friend who luckily invited me to join the facebook group Stop Oprah Winfrey!

Oh my! Hurry up everyone! Oprah has gone too far. Who does she think she is to believe and worship in a way different that us? How DARE she sponsor an online course on Jesus based on a book that views HIM in a different way! She has the GALL to practice her freedom of religion!!! Well, not if we have anything to do with it.

And 2 million people! That's almost half as many Mormons in the US. We can't let them catch up. Religion is above all a competition so let's remember that numbers matter people.

Oh for the day when OUR way is the only way to worship, believe and think. Did you know that at this moment, similar classes are being taught around the world!? Shocking but true. Right now, in colleges, universities, seminaries, synagogues, and temples around the world, the young and old are being taught all sorts of dogmas and beliefs that are NOT like ours.

This is the ...*snigger*... worst possible...*giggle*... thing that I have EVER...LOL! Ok, ok i can't keep it up anymore and keep a straight face. Really? A facebook group dedicated to stopping Oprah from holding a course? Well, you have fun with that. I have a bathroom to clean.