Friday, March 28, 2008

Internal, infernal dialogue

A little conversation in my head goes like this:

"Self, should I resign my membership to the Church and send in the letter required to stop being a Mormon?"

"Well, what should I care about their little records? I'm not going to church and I don't believe anymore so what does it matter to me if they think I'm a member or not?"

"I never thought about it like that, self, but shouldn't I make them aware of my concerns? Shouldn't they know they've lost another gay son?"

"That's a good point, but they haven't cared about you as a gay member of the church before so why do you think they will start caring when you leave?"

"Huh, well someone has to know there are sheep leaving the fold and for what reasons!"

"Listen to me self, the church has never, I repeat, NEVER left the 99 sheep snuggled safely in the pen to go in search of the 1 sheep in peril. Why should your little bleating help things?"

"The more gay Mormons that, as you so delicately put it, bleat, the louder our voice. That way we will get heard!"

"God, you still trust them to do the right thing don't you?! After what you've been through you still want to give them the benefit of the doubt. You still want them to love you for who you are. You're such a battered wife it's ridiculous! They might have changed their minds on race and the priesthood but they won't change their minds on this. Remember that the Mormon church is above all an American church AND Americans are squeamish with anything to do with sex. Their distaste for gays runs deep."

"But I should at least send in the letter for some closure. And it'll get my name off the rolls and I'll finally be done with it. There's nothing wrong in hoping that they change. I want to believe in the goodness in people. By the way, you've got some anger issues my friend. You ought to take a look at that."

"Anger issues duly noted, thanks. You'll never "be done with it" as you so naively believe. Being a Mormon is hardwired into your head. You identify with them and their worldview. And your whole family are dyed-in-the-wool, true blue Mormons. You think that you can get away just by writing a letter? Don't fool yourself."

"Ok, ok. I'll think about this some more then. Besides, I'm too lazy to write something now. Now, who has my lithium?!"


[kɹeɪ̯g̊] said...

I know that argument well.

I mainly don't like them thinking I'm in any way whatsoever beholden to their craziness. Its mostly just out of principle, and not out of any practical reason that I'm resigning.

Jake said...

And I think that will be the reason why I finally write mine. That and the all essential closure.

BTW, glad you posted a photo of yourself. I've been following your blog for a while and it's always nice to put a face with a voice... er, text... ummmm you know what i mean.

Jér said...

I like the fact that I don't have home teachers and reactivation committees bothering me. I like that if people ask if I'm Mormon, I can just say "no." I like that my family doesn't bother trying to reconvert me like they might if I were just "inactive."

Oh, and I like the closure.

[kɹeɪ̯g̊] said...

Jake: Yeah, before now I didn't feel comfortable being totally open about who I was on the blog - because of BYU and all that. But now that I'm leaving the church, it doesn't seem to matter anymore.

And the closure will be nice. Now I just have to tell my parents...

Chris said...

Jake, I posted this over no Craig's blog, but my resignation was a way of taking back my life. I joined the church when I was a scared gay 16-year-old kid who believed the church really could change so much about me that I didn't like. So, for me, what I started I needed to finish once I became a strong, proud gay man.

Plus, I just couldn't take associating in even a passive way with an institution that so actively stands in oppostition to gay rights and gay acceptance.

Chedner said...

For me, though I haven't yet sent in my letter of resignation, it's more of a sense of integrity that I have decided to officially resign.

That is to say, as long as my name is on the records of the Church, my name is -- in a way -- in contract with the Church to follow her guidelines and standards.

Before I can personally feel honest about acting contrary to the Church's guidelines, I feel I must dissolve this figurative contract on which my name is found agreeing that I wouldn't act against the standards of the Church.

Brittnee said...

Keep up the good work.