Saturday, April 12, 2008

Mormon Action Movie

I read this post and am now in a Very Introspective Mood (now with Extra-Strength Tears!)

I have a feeling that my family really wants me to be one of those "faith-promoting" stories in the back of the Ensign. They want me to be stronger and just overcome being gay so I can finally get on with my life. My nice, normal, very Mormon life that they so desperately want for me.

But I'm not the action-hero who turns back the horde of enemies single-handed, saves the building from exploding, finds the secret treasure and (most importantly) gets the girl. End Scene. Roll credits.

I'm just this guy, see. I'm not stronger than most. I need the touch in the dark that I find strength and comfort in. I need to be able to take a rest from the fight. You can't expect your soldiers to struggle every minute of every day. Especially against something that is so natural, so needed, so much a part of one's soul. You can not ask them to have to, in those intimate moments, fight then as well.

My family gets to rest. They have structured support systems in and out of the church that help them along. They can have intimate relationships without having to convince themselves that holding her hand isn't all that bad. They don't have to work as hard as a gay in the church. And they know that, but they DO expect me to work harder than they have to, sacrifice more than them and stay positive about it.

I think they like the idea that there is a potential hero in their midst. A great Ensign article in the making. An inspiring story that will get repeated at Conference in between Elder Holland's heart felt sobs. Look at what a great religion we have, Amen.

Instead of asking if the church might be wrong, they would rather believe that more IS expected of me. That it is better that I be wrung dry, in a constant state of battle, going insane and alone. And that is the worst feeling of all: knowing that they love the church more than me.

3 comments:

[kɹeɪ̯g̊] said...

Instead of asking if the church might be wrong, they would rather believe that more IS expected of me. That it is better that I be wrung dry, in a constant state of battle, going insane and alone. And that is the worst feeling of all: knowing that they love the church more than me.

That is by far the most damaging and hurtful thing that comes from being gay and Mormon. And what's worse, is that they don't even realise how hurtful, or that they're not really loving us the way they ought - unconditionally.

No matter how hard I try, I cannot fathom why my parents, your family, or anyone's family would rather we be depressed and suicidal than in a loving, happy (gay) relationship. It just doesn't make any sense to me at all. How do they really think that is better? Depression and suicide? Better? HOW?!

Anonymous said...

Not to be too forward, but I think I just fell in love with you. While I currently (always subject to change) don't have the same struggle with family and religion the rawness with which you write is so refreshing. I find it hard not to feel a spiritual connection to everying you have written.

Jake said...

Thanks anony. I love getting appreciative comments like that!